@qwertying: I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@fro_vo: PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine* PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood JESUS: this is my blood
@tastefactory: *ring ring* Hello? "If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000" OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM "I won't if u-" Haha gotcha, leave a message
@onelongbender: Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn't always talking about the liquor.
@MableGertrude: I'm not saying you're on twitter too much, but your six-year-old is running an arms trade with the Mexican drug cartel out of his tree fort.