The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
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horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Salad is the decaf of food.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.