DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
It’s the weekend y’all
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry