I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
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My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?