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@mattkoff: I really showed that Rubik's Cube who's unemployed.
@thepatrickwalsh: "Be there in 5," I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
@esc_key: Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
@Bob_Heller: Is your girlfriend wife material? I'm building a giant wife.
@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What's their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
@mellimelle: Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.