I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
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My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.