I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Who says great literature is dead?
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.