I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My dog ate my work from home.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
you gotta be faster
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
If only
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working