I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
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Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Ladies, why y’all do this?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.