I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I saw this ending much differently.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
wish me luck lads
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.