i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.