@caribbeanaj: I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
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@nbadag: ME: here's your bday present! BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won't budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again ME: just open it
@liv_thatsme: You know you're old when you see the neighbor's dog chasing some punk teenagers & you root for the dog.
@Introvert_Dad: *wife puts down dinner plate* *single pea rolls off plate* Me: oh no we have an esca-pea Wife: Me: I don't care I think it's still funny
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *gets all four daughters dressed* Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses. Me: But- Wife: Everyone. Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*