I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
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I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok