I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.