@gerryhallcomedy: "I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over" - guy who invented the accordion
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@Nuwaha17: I quit drinking & people laughed at me. Now the iPhone 7 is here and I get to sell a clean & pure Liver. The joke is now on them.
@robfee: House Hunters: "We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown." Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds? "haha no" *3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
@OhHiAlyPie: *bursts into bank EVERYONE DOWN ON THE GROUND *everyone lies down EVERYONE CLOSE THEIR EYES *everyone closes their eyes EVERYONE NAP
@NervousJr: There's awkward, and then there's listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.