@gerryhallcomedy: "I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over" - guy who invented the accordion
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@rickolantern: Went to my niece's elementary school field day last week. I won every single event. Every. Single. Event.
@_davidlucas_: *Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter* Her: Did you want to buy that? Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
@Home_Halfway: ME: I hate the Kentucky Derby. You get all dressed up and excited and the whole thing only lasts 15 seconds WIFE: Oh is that right
@nealbrennan: I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.