“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Awesome parenting 😂
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*