“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
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[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
what day is it?
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.