@mydmac: I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of 'hey you' every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
@NicestHippo: BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot-- LAWYER: *plays dead* BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go
@WilliamAder: To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don't "like" themselves.
@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"