I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more