I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
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A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Found the job I’m suited for
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing