I really would love to see two mimes arguing
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
The second world war should have been called world war returns
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.