I really would love to see two mimes arguing
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee