I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Anime is real
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
favorite tropes as memes
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants