@Midgetspar: I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven't played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I'm Michael Jordan.
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@PeaceInTruth1: Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir. Me: Do you walk with a limp? Telemarketer: No. Me: Want to? Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.
@SeanINCypress: Bad news is I'm not fluent in Starbucks. Good news is I ordered a skinny Latin, and Marc Anthony is a real sweetheart.
@rachelmillman: if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
@Biraahwa: Friend: Do you have a bird problem? Me: No. Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound. Me: Oh that? That's for people.