I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
every. time.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day