I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what