@kenwhacksit: I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn't starving!
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@TheToddWilliams: Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won't fix... Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
@CaptainJerkwad: Hate being a funeral director "why'd u take the job?" I inherited it from my dad "You could've just declined it" And lose my first customer?
@moose_chocolate: Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it's May 13th and it's currently snowing here.