I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.