I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
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Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*