legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
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My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games