When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
i wish i could marry a nap
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Great acting.. 😂
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?