I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My purse is deeper than some people.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.