No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
this is how life feels
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*