I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
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I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
The 6 types of sex
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.