People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
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GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
My dad is at it again
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.