“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
You Might Also Like
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
This rocks
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds