I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
You Might Also Like
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back