I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
How long do you have to wait between naps?
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*