I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours