I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
You Might Also Like
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Breaking news:
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.