I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.