I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
BaD BoY!!
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.