I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
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i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him