I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??