I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
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My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Finally!
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.