God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
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“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.