I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The prophecy is fulfilled
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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”