I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long