Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
These are my roll models.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
catch me on valentine’s day like
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life