@NewDadNotes: Boss: you're fired Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap* I expected this; you found my search history yes? Boss: Linda wants her cat back

@AKcrazy18: I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I'm going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg. That'll blow his Lil mind

@WheelTod: *Calling from the bakery Me: "Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?" Her: "Surprise me!" Me: "I think I'm gay"

@PinkCamoTO: My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

@anerdonfire2: Let's just say she wasn't impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.