@orny_xo: Nothing says authentic Chinese food like a neon "We Delivery" sign.

@KentWGraham: Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

@thenatewolf: *Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please.

@BuckyIsotope: When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she's just not that into you.

@KimmyMonte: Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.