@PetrickSara: What I say: Play outside. What my kid hears: Find a spot in the yard where I can't see you so I constantly imagine you've been kidnapped.

@markydoodoo: [CREATING GROUNDHOGS] GOD: a rat dog ANGEL: check GOD: that whispers to white people ANGEL: what? GOD: about the weather ANGEL:

@PetrickSara: Them: children are innocent and go to heaven Me: so you're saying Hell is child free?

@msgwenl: The thing about eating broken cookies is there's no way to know how many you had. "You ate the whole ba-" THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW.

@amydillon: [sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand] "Squeeze once if that's an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password."