I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!