I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.