If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha