@funnybeachgirl: I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.
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@murrman5: [wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house] "stop crying for a second...what do you mean you lost me?"
@walks_on_legs: Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I'll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!
@sofarrsogud: FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job ME: My dogter loves hers F: You mean dau.. ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She's a dogtor