@JasonLastname: 1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

@Spaziotwat: Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

@5exyunchained: A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.

@AmishPornStar1: Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?! Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

@hyperblastchic: Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.