I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
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Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
This is not me but this is me
Knock Knock
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
quarantine day 3
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.