Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.