*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
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“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.